by When I was pregnant with Lily, one of my oldest friends told me, “Just wait, after you have your baby all of your friendships will change. Maybe not right away and maybe not for the worse, but they will change. You can count on it”
Sorry Cass, but I didn’t believe you.
I thought I would be the exception to the rule. I wouldn’t let motherhood change me, my friends would be completely understanding, and as a result my friendships would escape my journey into motherhood completely unscathed.
But, it happened. I don’t know when, but it did. Slowly my friendships began to change, until one day I barely recognized some of them.
Some friendships fizzled, floundered and faded. Whether we both had children or if I was alone in the motherhood journey, it didn’t make a difference. Soon it became apparent that we didn’t have as much in common anymore and couldn’t relate to each other as well as we did before. Somewhere along the way, something changed. It was no one’s fault, it just happened. I wanted so badly to explain how I felt about the change in our relationship, but I wasnt sure how. I wanted my friends to understand. In the back of my mind I would be thinking…
I no longer have the luxury of being selfish. I no longer get to buy something for myself “just because,” I don’t get to sit and watch whatever I want to watch on TV, I can’t stay out until 2 am at the bar, I can’t take a few days off work and get out of town for a few days. By no means do I expect you to understand this, because I didn’t understand it either until I went through it. Just know that while I may sometimes seem frustrated by the fact that you do these things, please understand that in reality, I’m just jealous that you CAN do these things. Yes, the big green monster of jealousy attacks me frequently as I remember life before baby. My children are in my every thought. Even if I get the rare chance to be “child free” for a weekend, a day, an hour… I’m still thinking about them. It’s engrained in me. They may not be with me, but I’m wondering if they ate their lunch, had a decent nap, did they fall and skin their knee, are they going to be in a good mood when I see them next or am I going to have to deal with a demon child when I return as my ‘punishment’ for temporarily leaving my child? Please know that even though it may not always show, I am incredibly envious of you. I love my children more than life itself, but given the opportunity to go on vacation back in time and be able to be ‘just me” for a week… I’d do it in a heart beat.
Just because I have a child, doesn’t mean that I can only talk about them. Yes, I do have a tendency to babble on about the horrendous poopy diaper incident of 2011 and the fact that breast feeding hasn’t gone as planned, but cut me some slack, it’s what I deal with on a daily basis. If I had something happen during my day that was more exciting, I would be talking about that instead, trust me. But I do like to hear about your life and would love to be able to discuss topics that do not relate to my children. Please don’t withhold information from me simply because you think I might not be interested, I am interested!
We may have different parenting styles and different views on how to raise a child, but that doesnt have to change our friendship. I will respect the way you raise and discipline your child if you could kindly do the same for me. We are more than mommies and our frienship should be able to stand alone without the bonds of motherhood keeping us together.
Things like birthday parties, baptisms, trick or treating, etc are high on my list of priorities. I understand if they aren’t for you, really I do, but if some effort could be made to celebrate these little life celebrations with my child, I would be forever grateful. I invited you, therefore I want you there if possible.
My body will never ever look the way it did pre-baby. Please respect that and don’t ask me why I bought a tankini instead of a bikini or why I cringe at the idea of wearing shorts and tanktops. Furthermore, my house will never look the same either. I can scrub, vacuum, dust, and fold laundry until I am blue in the face, but inevitably toys will litter my living room floor, juice will stain the carpet, and dirty bottles will fill the right side of my sink. I try my hardest to keep up with the housework, but somedays it is not worth it. Somedays I want to be a mother and not a housekeeper. I want to talk to my girls, color with them, play dolls, and take them to the park. If that means that my home isn’t as clean as yours, so be it. Having a messy house does not make me less of a mother or less of a caregiver for my family, in fact, it may make me more of a mother.
“Good mothers have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids”
On the other hand, other friendships changed, but for the better. Even better than that, they soared. In fact, several of them soared beyond my wildest dreams.
Ironically, the friendships that I thought may suffer the most, were the friendships that seemed to gain strength. Before I knew it, friends who I have always loved dearly, I held even closer to my heart when I saw how they loved on my babies. Watching a friend comfort my crying baby or make my toddler squeel with excitement made me appreciate my sisters-by-choice ten times more. Before I knew it, friends became more than friends, they became aunties and forever a part of our family. They were there for me and stood by me 100% of the way. They would listen to me as I complained about my screaming children, my increased need for wine, and how somedays I balanced on the edge of sanity and insanity. If they could offer advice, they did so. If not, they would lie on the living room floor with me, watch a Disney movie, and find a way to make me laugh. For these friends, I will forever be grateful.
The fact is, motherhood does change you.
It also changes those around you. Some for worse, others for the better.
But at the end of the day, if you have a handful of girlfriends you would go to the edge of the world for and you know would do the same for you, consider yourself very blessed.
I know I do.