Bulletproof Love

Dear Child,

Each day you wake with a smile on your face, ready to learn, laugh and love. You giggle as you walk down the stairs and watch Daddy pack his lunch and gather his gear. You wipe the sleep from your eyes and groggily kiss Daddy good-bye. You wrap your tiny arms around his neck and say “I love you. Be safe” as he walks out the door. You aren’t confused when you see me run to the front porch for ‘one more kiss’ because you’ve become so accustomed to this, that you don’t question it anymore. You stand at the doorway, waving fiercely, as he drives away.

Each night you wait eagerly for him to come home and tuck you into bed. You wonder why I pace the floors when Daddy is late and why I breathe a sigh of relief when the door finally opens. You say your prayers and ask God to ‘keep Daddy and all police officers safe. Help them make the right decisions and help them come home to their families.’

Each day you hear and speak the words, “Be Safe”, and yet your little innocent mind has no idea what it means or why we say it.

But you see little one, your Daddy is a police officer.

And for that, you should be proud. But our country is in turmoil and rather than radiating pride, Mommy and Daddy are often afraid because of the badge your Daddy wears.   Many people out there hate the police. They chant ugly words, spew disrespect and have no understanding of the stress that comes with the job. Even worse, an evil exists in the world. An evil that hunts the uniform like it’s a sport. An evil that spills blood simply for wearing the badge. An evil with no regard for human life.

Thankfully, you have no knowledge of this evil.

Up until now, we have been able to shield you from this horror. Up until now, you have been blissfully unaware of the dangers that surround your Daddy. You don’t know why he is always looking at his surroundings instead of watching your new trick at the park or why when we FaceTime him at work, he’s always looking over his shoulder instead of looking into your curious eyes. You don’t know why I cry when I watch the news, why there are days that I spend clutching the phone or why I run frantically when there is an unexpected knock at the door.

But I’m afraid little one, the day is coming where I won’t be able to protect you from this matter anymore. Some day you’ll hear hateful words about police officers; how police officers are corrupted pigs who kill Blacks simply because of the color of their skin. You’ll wonder if your Daddy is bad and you’ll ask me if Daddy hates black people too. You’ll look for the reassurance but the truth is, Daddy is cautious of everyone regardless of skin color.

Someday you’ll hear a news story about a police officer who made a poor decision. An officer who let his fear, his pride or his temper get the better of him. You’ll hear about police brutality, racism and profiling and wonder if your Daddy does those things too.   You’ll look for answers and all I will be able to tell you is that God and his police training guide Daddy and he does his best with the information provided to him. But sometimes, decisions are made in a matter of seconds and grace must be given to everyone, even police officers. Perfection does not come with the badge.

Someday you’ll hear about an officer dying in the line of duty. You’ll hear about the evil that took him from his family and see pictures plastered over the news. You’ll hear about the 21 gun salute and see his family mourn as ‘Taps” begins to play. You’ll have questions that I won’t be able to answer and you’ll look for reassurance that this surely won’t happen to our family.

And I won’t be able to give it to you.

Because your Daddy is a police officer.

My sweet child, there is evil in this world that I can no longer shield you from and it breaks my heart. As your mother I want nothing more than to protect you from fear, sadness, anxiety and evil. But as a police family, we must face this every day. Thankfully, we have those who stand beside us in uniform and those who stand behind us; family and friends who support the police regardless whether or not they wear the badge themselves.

We will show the world that we are stronger than those who desperately want to tear us down and that we will not stand by and let our fear override our pride. My dear child, good will overcome evil because you will be taught strength, honor, integrity and above all, faith.

Because your Daddy is a police officer.

Love,
Mommy

Tonight, I’m struggling.

In fact, I’ve been struggling for the past two nights.

For the past two nights, after the kids are in bed, the house is picked up and I allow myself to settle into the crook of his arm; I struggle.

I try not to cry. I try not to worry. I try not to yell. I try not to beg him “please don’t go to work tomorrow.”

I know better than to say those words, because I know it is of no use. Because as I sit and worry, letting my mind reel with ‘what-if’ scenarios, he seemingly watches Swamp People without a care in the world. Because that’s what he does. Despite the worry, the fear, the downright evil that may cross his path tomorrow, he will still go. He has to go. It’s who he is.

And so I will do the worrying for the both of us.

Did you see the news on Sunday evening? Did you read the articles on Monday morning? Did your heart break when you heard about those Las Vegas officers? The officers who were gunned down while eating lunch, simply because they wore a badge on their chest?

Don’t we have a word for that? When prejudice acts as the motive for a malicious crime? Is it accurate to classify this as a form of hate crime? When an officer is gunned down in cold blood simply because of the career he has chosen, how is this different than those crimes committed against someone for their religious beliefs, sexual practices or skin color?

What if we didn’t look at them as officers and ignored the fact that these men entered the profession knowing that the hours would be long, the dangers numerous and that most people they encounter will radiate hatred toward them? What if we looked at them for what they are when they take off the uniform, unstrap the bullet-proof vest and hang up their holster? What if we looked at them as the husbands, wives, sons, daughters, fathers, mothers and friends that they are?

Can you tell I’m angry?

Because I am. 

I am also petrified.

Every day I am afraid to send my husband to work. It’s part of the police wife curse.  Along with the lonely anniversaries, Christmases celebrated on the 28th and a gun holster on the nightstand, the fear is real. It’s part of “what we signed up for.”  The worrying, is relentless.  Everyday, I agonize over the possibility of high speed chases, threatening domestic calls and routine traffic stops gone awry.

And now I have to worry about his lunch breaks too?

Everyday, in the mist of my fear, I must trust. Trust in my husband’s training and his instincts that he will make the correct decisions and be able to return home to us. In most situations, the encounters with  drug dealers, the emotionally-charges domestics, the prison-transfers, I can squelch the fear with my trust in him. But in ambush, the game changes. Suddenly, trusting in his instincts and training is not enough. In these situations, I can only trust in God.

And while my faith usually stands steady, I can’t help but feel it wavering when two young officers are killed in this way.  And I hate that.  I hate them for making me question my faith that God will help keep my hero safe and bring him home each night.

It’s no secret that officers are hated by many. Hate, in and of itself, is not a crime but the action that follows it, is.

Seeing the faces of Officer Beck and Officer Soldo, reading about that tragedy and watching that news coverage; to some it may have been “another police shooting.”

But to me, it feels personal.

And it leaves me angry, frightened and a little bit broken.