Just Me

Just Me

Q&A 2013 Style

January 4, 2014 by 0 Comments
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Note: I somehow screwed up the format of the blog when I copy and pasted the survey from rageagainsttheminivan.com.  I tried fixing it several times, but to no avail. I even contemplated deleting the post entirely because I hated the ugly white background, but that just seemed silly.

Back when MySpace was cool (remember MySpace?) I used to love filling out these questionnaires. I convinced myself that other people cared about my favorite color, my first kiss, and what was the item closest to me that was the color red.  But no one cared. Hell, I didn’t even care. But last year I completed a ‘year in review’ survey and actually enjoyed looking back on 2012 and reflecting and remembering what had happened in the course of those 12 months. 

This year, I found this Q&A over at rageagainsttheminivan.com and thought I’d steal borrow her version for 2013…


1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
I hit a ‘first’ in my career this year. I had to tell my patient that her test result revealed ‘ovarian cancer until proven otherwise.’ It was heart-wrenchingly difficult and I had anxiety for days leading up to our conversation.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Oh dear… no. I tried to, really I did. I even tried making an easy resolution in 2013 for the sole purpose of being able to say that I kept a New Year’s resolution for once. My resolution was to try and send more cards, less texts/emails/facebook messages, for birthdays, anniversaries, births and condolences. But my New Year’s resolution began to slip sometime in mid-March.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Several people, myself included. We welcomed Alexander Thomas into the world in April, all 10 pounds 3 ounces of him.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Unfortunately, yes.  For me, 2013 will forever be known as ‘the year of loss’. As the year came to a close I actually began to feel a little like an Angel of Darkness, because each month was met with another loss, more tears, and another goodbye. The months of August, September and October were the worst as each month brought a goodbye that I was unprepared for. In August, an old college friend passed away suddenly from meningitis, leaving behind his wife and three young children; and leaving us all stunned and facing our own mortality. On September 14th, we lost my Grandma Flo after her five year battle against  Pulmonary Fibrosis. It still hurts.  In October I comforted one of my dearest friends as she said good-bye to her mother and was left to pick up the pieces. 
2013, with these memories, I am not terribly sad to see you go.
5. What countries did you visit?
Zip, Zero, Zilch. Not even Canada. How lame is that?
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
More balance between those things that I have to do and what I want to do
7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 10th- welcoming our son into the world
September 14th- losing my Grandma Flo
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Breastfeeding. I nursed both of the girls for 6 months, almost to the day, and had planned to do the same with Alexander. However, here we are, almost nine months later and I am exceedingly proud of ‘how long I made it.” Breastfeeding, although a wonderful experience, can also be draining, especially for a working mom with two other young children. I’ll probably start weaning him soon, if I can get over my mommy guilt issue, but each day/week/month that passes, I grow more and more proud of myself.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to live in the present more.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Thankfully no, but I was constantly nervous that my postpartum depression would return and my baby had eye surgery in June, which hurt Mommy more than expected.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our new (and quite possibly our forever) home. We were crazy enough to put our home up for sale when I was six months pregnant, only to sell the home in 2 days without a place to go. Thankfully, we found a home we love, where we can watch our family grow.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Our new mortgage.
13. What did you get really excited about?
Having a boy. Everyone says they don’t care what gender they are having, as long as the baby is healthy… and that was entirely 100% true. But when I looked down at the (rather large) baby in my arms and heard my husband exclaim “It’s a boy! We have a boy!”… well, there aren’t enough words to explain my excitement. I felt like my heart would burst. We are incredibly blessed with our beautiful girls and now we are blessed with a beautiful boy. We get to enjoy both. 

14. What song will always remind you of 2013?
Aside from the “Sophia the First” soundtrack, the only other song that comes to mind is Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball.”

Side note: I dont know which is more embarrassing, the fact that this is the only song I can think of, or the fact that I actually like it.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? About the same.
– thinner or fatter? Much, much thinner… but I was also six months pregnant at this time last year, so I think that may be cheating.
– richer or poorer? Poorer, one more kid and a lot more house will do that to you.
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Spend more quality time with my kids… and more quality time with myself. I think both are vital for my happiness.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I’d spent less time online. This is difficult for me, especially with smartphones, laptops, and desperately yearning for conversation that goes beyond, “mommy why do poofs stink” and “mommy can I go to a fairy school like Princess Sofia?”
18. How did you spend Christmas?
We did our family Christmas on Christmas Eve since my husband had to work on the 25th. Such is the life of a police family. 
19. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve watched it from day #1… and I still get excited when I know about the medical conditions they discuss. I tried getting into “The Walking Dead” but it makes my anxiety skyrocket and I end up panicking about how I would save all of my children.
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Fiction: Divergent
Non-fiction: Carry On, Warrior. (If Glennon and I were to meet in real life, I think we’d be besties… if 30-somethings used the term besties.)
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Anything and everything that I could listen to without interruption.
22. What was your favorite film of the year?
I think the only new movies that I saw in 2013 were animated, but I did find Monsters University to be really entertaining. 
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned the big 3-0 in September. We had taken the kids to Kalahari for a mini-vacation with friends… but it wasn’t the birthday I had envisioned. I’m still bitter about it, but I think I sound like a huge brat when I talk about it.  Perhaps one of my 2014 resolutions should be to ‘let things go.’
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Like I mentioned before, I stole this from Kristen at rageagainsttheminivan.com, and I think her response to this question was exceptional… and so I am stealing her response as well:
I think that being more intentional with my friendships would have made my life more satisfying.
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
This year was a wear-whatever-you-won’t-mind-getting-boogers-or-baby-puke-on kind of year. Maybe I’ll become more fashionable once my kids grow out of the ‘wipe bodily fluids on mommy’ stage.
26. What kept you sane?
Talking. Blogging. Talking. Reading. Talking some more.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Relationships (not just marriages) take time, effort, compassion, and understanding. Be present in your relationships.  Contrary to popular belief, being Facebook friends with someone does not make you ‘present’ in a relationship/friendship… it simply makes you an observer.  Just because you know their child’s name, where they vacation, or what they had for dinner; does not make you a good friend. Furthermore, don’t assume that you will be able to reconnect ‘someday’ or convince yourself that now ‘just isn’t the right time.” Using the excuses; you both have so much going on/ live too far / haven’t spoken in awhile so it would be awkward; are just that- excuses. If you want to reconnect, then do it. Someday you might not get to. 
2013… I am not extremely sad to see you go. You brought with you some wonderful blessings, but also much sadness.  Last year, as 2012 came to an end, I challenged 2013 and declared “Bring it on, 2013. I’m ready for you!”  Unfortunately I think 2013 may have won that challenge and I am entering 2014 feeling humbled. And so, 2014, I ask that you take it easy on me this year and I promise to do the same.

Just Me

Desiring to be Desired

June 26, 2013 by 1 Comment

(Note: *Names have been changed to protect the innocent… and to save me the embarrassment of admitting their true identity.)
Tonight, instead of picking up the toys that littered the floor, instead of washing the breast pump parts that have piled up in my kitchen sink, and instead of folding laundry; I relaxed.
Not just a sit-on-the-couch–with-a-bowl-of-ice-cream-and-watch–TV-hile-folding-laundry kind of relax either. 
No ma’am.
I did relaxation up right.
I filled our new jetted master bathtub, lit a few candles that have been collecting dust in our linen closet (why I feel the need to ‘save’ candles for special occasions that never exist is beyond me) and prepared to settle in for a relaxing fifteen minutes.
But then I thought “this would be so much more relaxing if I had some soft and slow music playing too.”
Hold on, relaxation. I’ll get there, I promise.
Rather than putting on the Savage Garden Pandora station, I wrapped myself in a towel and opted to peruse my old music collection for a CD. A CD that would be sure to contain forgotten boy band ballads that would inevitably strike me with nostalgia and a longing to be 15 again.  I settled on a burned CD, titled with a Sharpie marker in a boy’s chicken-scratch handwriting and sank into the warm water as the stereo began to croon the voices of Babyface and KC and Jojo.
I smiled to myself as I hummed along and I thought back to the time when this particular boy gave me this CD.  Back in the day, before iTunes and Pandora, giving a girl a burned CD titled “Think of Ross* CD” meant something. It meant you liked her. Like, like liked her.
I thought back to the weekend when he flew from California to Grand Rapids just to visit before being deployed to Afghanistan. I thought back to how he told me I was beautiful. How he told me that any guy would be lucky to have me.  How he told me that he wanted to be that guy.
And I smiled.
For a brief moment, as I reminisced and forgot about the household/mommy/wife duties that awaited me on the other side of the door, I remembered what it was like to feel desired.
To feel wanted.
Not wanted because a sippy cup needed to be filled, or the bills needed to be paid, or the house to be cleaned. But wanted because you are an interesting, beautiful, charming, funny woman.
Desired by a boy who would smile at you from across the room just because he thinks you’re pretty; who would listen to you when you talk about your day without his eyes glazing over, who would leave you sweet love notes that didn’t start with, “we are all out of milk.”
And then I got to thinking about how so many marriages end in divorce or suffer through infidelities …and for a minute, I could understand it.
I could understand how it could happen.
I don’t condone it, but I could see how it could happen.
How a woman, insecure in her post-baby body, could be easily lured by a sweet-talking suitor.  How a woman who follows the same routine day in and day out could be excited by the newness of an unfamiliar face. How a woman could easily fall for the sweet words from a stranger, words that she once heard from her husband’s mouth but have long since faded.
How a woman could so desperately want, need, wish, and hope to feel desired again; that she considers looking for it outside of her marriage.
In college, I remember walking through the mall with my girlfriends and being annoyed when a group of guys would wink, holler out, or stare at our chests as we walked by.  I remember driving to school with my best friend and rolling our eyes when male drivers would honk their horns at us. I remember offering a coy smile to a cute boy at the bar when he offered to buy me a drink. 
But those days are long gone.
I’d like to say that my lack of desirability is because I project a mature and self-confident I-am-married-with-kids-so-don’t-even-waste-your-timeaura, but sadly I don’t think that is it.  No man is going to smile or wink at me across the grocery store aisle when I have three kids under the age of four hanging onto my cart (unless those are his kids too and he is equally exhausted and covered in spit-up.  Then I might stand a chance).
Something tells me that the mini-van, flabby stomach, nursing bra, food stuck in my hair, I-talk-about-my-kids-so-much-sometimes-forget-where-they-stop-and-I-start aura that I radiate, is the real reason why I do not get hit on like I used to. Because let’s face it, when only 1/3 of your entourage is potty-trained, you might as well hose yourself down with man repellant.
And when I slowly open my eyes as the last song comes to an end, I am brought back to reality. A reality in which I remember that although I do not have scores of suitors; I have a husband that loves me. That although my husband may not always give me his undivided attention, look lovingly at me from across the room, or tell me how lucky he is to have me; he is mine and only mine. And then I have a thought that maybe, just maybe, hemisses feeling wanted too.
I am reminded that he is not perfect, but neither am I.
And lastly I remember Ross* and how I knew, even at that moment, that I didn’t love him and that I never would.  But I remember how it still felt wonderful to be told “You’re so special. Any guy would be lucky to have you”
But then I remember how he told my best friend the exact same thing. That exact same weekend. When we were all camped out on the floor in the EXACT same room.
Guess he desired her too.

Bulletproof Love - Just Me - tough stuff

Courageously Faithful

August 18, 2012 by 0 Comments

Growing up, I didn’t live in an extremely religious household. We believed in God, we were baptized into the Catholic faith, we attended Catechism and we made our first Holy Communion. But to say we were a practicing Catholic family would not be entirely accurate. Sure, our family’s name was on the record books at St. Michael’s Catholic Church, but we rarely attended mass. In fact, we weren’t even one of the ‘Christmas and Easter’ parishioners.

When I first began dating my husband, his faith and trust in God was apparent. Each Sunday, he would attend mass, even if he attended the service alone. Just three short weeks into dating, we attended our first mass together at Holy Redeemer. I remember feeling completely inadequate and ashamed that I didn’t know the hymns or the prayers as he spoke them with ease. Over the course of our relationship, we began to attend mass together on a semi-regular basis. The concept was foreign to me. I felt as though I had a relationship with God, but standing next to Marty at mass made it seem significantly inferior to the relationship he had within his faith.  Through the years as our relationship progressed from dating, to engagement, to marriage, Marty consistently encouraged and guided me to building a better relationship with God and understanding in my faith. I’d like to say that I would have gotten there on my own, but I know that isn’t true.

I’m slightly ashamed to say that I still frequently question what it is that we are taught in the Catholic faith. My husband laughs because I obsess and continue to think about things that seem incredibly easy and second nature to him. For instance, when we were newly married we attended mass and listened to our priest speak of the Kingdom of Heaven. On the ride home, I was quiet. When Marty asked what was on my mind, I replied that I had a question about Heaven.  He smiled and asked me to explain.

Hesitantly I said… “Alright. We are married right? We promised to love and honor each other until death do us part. When we die, our souls should live together in Heaven, right? Well, what happens if we are married for three years and tragically I die and go to Heaven. A few years later, you marry again. You have a family, you grow old together, and then after 60 years of marriage, you both die. Who does your soul rest with in Heaven for all of eternity? Is it with me, your first wife? Or is it with your second wife, the wife you devoted 60 years to?”

Marty smiled, kept his eyes on the road and said “I have no idea.”

I was flabbergasted. How could he not know? What confused me even more was how this didn’t seem to bother him. And I told him so.

“I guess, I just trust that God will direct me where I am meant to be.”

As if I wasn’t flabbergasted enough already. Part of me envied his faith and his trust. Part of me wanted to grab his shoulders, shake him and say “really? That is your answer?!”

When he glanced in my direction and clearly recognized my disappointment that he could not provide me with a solid answer, he told me I should talk to our priest about it.

I never did.

Recently, as I have eluded to in my most recent posts, I have been struggling. Recently, friends of ours tragically lost their young daughter and while I can’t even begin to understand the pain and the grief that is flowing through their hearts these past few weeks, I do know the confusion, the anger, and disbelief that consume my thoughts.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder why. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for answers. But at the same time, I know in my heart, that those answers aren’t likely to come… at least not here on earth.

And I would be lying if I said that it didn’t frustrate me to my core.

In truth, a few weeks ago, I thought I was doing fine. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to shake this funk that I was walking around in. It wasn’t until after talking with a friend of mine when we realized, we were both in a funk, and for the same reason.  The accident shook us harder than we thought. (Again, I can not stress enough that our emotions are not a fraction of what our dear friends are  experiencing and I would never dream of comparing the two).  After a few weeks, I begrudgingly made an appointment with my family physician. In complete honestly, I was just hoping for a short term anxiety prescription to help me through the course of the month, but what I got was much more.

As I began to explain why my anxiety had soared in recent weeks, the words flew from my mouth at lightening speed. I talked about the pressures of my job (ones that he surely understood), the worries associated with being married to an officer, and lastly our police family’s recent tragedy. Tears flowed at the mention of her name and as much as I tried, I couldn’t get the tears to stop.  As he handed me a box of tissues, my doctor spoke words of wisdom, ones that he surely didn’t learn from medical school. He said, “I can not pretend to know what you are going through. But what I can tell you is what I have been through and what I believe will help you.” He proceeded to tell me about his life experiences, briefly explaining the pain that has left scars on his heart, and how he was able to heal.

He encouraged me to seek help from others, start exercising more, attend church regularly, and if need be, pop a Xanax or two. But what helped the most, was the most surprising of all. He lent me his personal copy of a movie that he felt may help me. “Courageous” is far from the type of movie that I would normally watch.  No predictable romantic comedy plot, no wizards or vampires, and no musical numbers.  But the Christian-based movie, it shook me. I felt every last bit of that movie, every emotion as it played out in front of me, because it hit so incredibly close to home, it felt like it was made for us.

A group of officers, devoting their lives to serve and protect.
A group of fathers who do what they can to be ‘good enough’ for their children.
A group of men who are shaken when tragedy strikes one of their own and suddenly realize that being a ‘good enough father’ is not good enough. And while wearing the badge is a mark of bravery, raising a child into your faith, takes courage.

Did the movie bring me peace, knowledge, and acceptance over this tragedy?
Absolutely not.

But what it did provide me with was hope.

A hope for better friendships, stronger marriages, devoted parenting, and unrelenting faith.

Hope that out of tragedy can come greatness and out of sadness can come love.