by As a parent, I struggle with finding a balance between being strict and choosing my battles. I’ll admit that I have caved on certain occasions and handed my child the unnecessary two dollar toy at the grocery store, just to get her to stop crying. Likewise, I have raised my voice and put my child in time-out for something that probably didn’t warrant much more than a stern look. I’m constantly teetering on the edge, struggling not to slide down the slippery slope of being too overbearing or too lax; knowing full well that leaning too far in either direction could have disasterous results.
Up until last week, I always assumed that parents who were overbearing would end up pushing their child away and were destined to have a rebelious child that wore all black, had a pink mohawk and rejected any form of authority. But the other day, I met the queen bee of overbearing mothers, and the effect it had on her daughter took me slightly by surprise.
Recently, we had a mother accompany her daughter to the office. This in and of itself raises an eyebrow since the patient was over the age of 18, but since the patient had given consent for the mother to be present , the visit continued. It didnt take long for everyone in contact with the mother-daughter duo to realize that Mommy Dearest was in complete and utter control. The patient’s mother answered all questions regarding the patient’s medical history, allergies, current medications, etc… all of which the patient was quite capable of answering herself. She discussed her daughter’s major, her living environment, and her interests.
The most disturbing thing happened however as the provider began the ‘personal’ portion of the exam in which the patient’s sexual and gynecological history would be discussed (to which the daughter also gave consent for her mother to be present.) The conversation went something like this…
Provider: Are you sexually active?
Patient looks at mother who responds “Yes she is.”
Provider: What day did you last have sex?
Mom fumbles for her pocket calendar, opens to the current month, looks at her daughter and asks “Sweetie, wasnt it on October 14th?”
No joke.
You can’t make this stuff up.
Here sat a grown adult, capable of attending college classes, voting for the President of the United States, engaging in sexual activity and her mother was keeping track of her sexual escapades.
Mommy Dearest had engrossed herself in every aspect of her daughter’s life and the patient, who should have been eager to demonstrate her newfound maturity and independence as a college student, looked lost. Rather than rebelling against her mother and demanding independence, she allowed her mother to continue to hold the reigns. Her lack of self-confidence was blatantly obvious and her smile couldn’t mask her broken spirit. Her mother had tried to control every aspect of her daughter’s life, held her hand for the past 18 years and as a result her daughter was unable to stand on her own as a young adult.
When we were finally able to get 3 minutes alone with the patient, the resentment she held against her mother was almost tangible. It hung in the room like a dense fog.
She knew the relationship with her mother was the basis for her underlying depression, but it was all she had ever known. Seeing the way the daughter looked and talked about her mother was nothing short of heartbreaking.
The relationship between Mommy Dearest and her daughter has clung to me and left me (over)analyzing my relationship with my daughters and pondering the overbearing parenting technique. While I haven’t met overbearing mothers quite as terrible as this mother before, it seems as though more and more mothers are taking control over their child’s life, desperately making sure that their child doesn’t make the ‘wrong decision’ and never fails.
What ever happened to the idea of pushing the baby bird out of the nest and hoping baby learns to fly….. quickly?
Whatever happend to the days of “tough love?”
Is this why so many young adults seem to flounder and lose direction once they reach college? Why some seem incapable of having trusting and long term relationships? Why they live at home until their late 20’s? Why they are unable to manage their money?
Can overbearing mothers be held accountable or does there come a point in life when you need to cut the apron strings yourself, even if mommy is clinging for dear life?
With Lily just shy of her third birthday and Charley not quite a year old, I have many years ahead of me with inevitable opportunities to hover and at times be an overbearing mother myself. However, I am determined to instill the confidence in my children to stand alone, to walk their own path in life, and to feel comfortable returning home when they seek guidance, a shoulder to cry on, or even just a hug from their mommy.
