by 
As women we think of break-ups and broken hearts to be at the hands of men. You sit with your girlfriends and analyze the what-went-wrongs over a bowl of ice cream. You cry, you vent, you burn pictures of happier times (or in my case, box it up, label it “asshole” and demand your mom bury it in the attic) and you move on.
But what happens when a friendship ends?
When a bond dissolves and all you are left with are the memories of a friendship that used to be? When there are no losers, obviously no winners, but so many losses. The loss of what-used-to-be; the deafening laughter, shared secrets and memories of joyous life celebrations; and the loss of what-could-have-been. Regardless of whether the relationship ended in slow and subtle deterioration or if a defining moment marked the beginning of the end, the hurt is real either way. When the person we have cared so deeply for, trusted with our hearts, becomes a stranger to us; when the words coming from her lips leave us hurt and broken, either from her complete indifference or from the spitefulness in her voice, we are shattered just the same.
As women, how do we handle this loss? How do we handle the hurt?
Lately, as it seems, we feel the need to label the lost friendship, give it a shameful name and advise women to avoid this “type” of friendship at all cost. For the past few weeks, I’ve seen articles/posts/essays written about these so-called ‘toxic friendships’. Those friendships that leave you feeling broken and beaten, rather than inspired; or are motivated by manipulation rather than love and respect. The articles depict toxic friendships as those in which one friend is intensely demanding, hurtful and obviously destructive.
Do I think these friendships exist between women? Absolutely.
But I also believe that not all friendships that end are were toxic… or at least they were not always this way.
I believe that like long-lasting friendships, these began as strong relationships and were originally built on mutual respect and trust. But over time, these (toxic) friendships eroded into an unhealthy balance of give and take; one in which the friendship and expectations were poorly defined.
Dependent and Enabler.
Giver and Taker.
Unrealistic expectations and Undefined boundaries.
And eventually, for whatever reason, these friendships fall apart.
And as the dust settles, the path becomes clear allowing for reevaluation and reflection.
We realize that what we had, and more importantly, what we could have become, is gone. It’s no longer about anger or forgiveness, but rather the apprehension, fearfulness and unwillingness to make yourself susceptible to hurt again. Conflict arises in all relationships, but it’s how we handle ourselves in this conflict that matters.
Does anyone handle themselves perfectly? Of course not.
We all make mistakes.
But words can hurt. Used carelessly, words have the power to leave you feeling shamed, unloved, unappreciated and disrespected. And while words can be forgiven, they can not be unsaid, unheard or unfelt.
A successful friendship is one in which both parties feel comfortable and open to vulnerability. A solid friendship is one in which we graciously expose our weaknesses and our vulnerabilities, giving them insight into our hearts and providing them with the power to hit us where it would damage us the most… and trusting that they never will.
Sadly, not all friendships are forever, but no friendship is wasted. They teach us what we want and what we don’t want in our relationships. They also provide a mirror to who we are in the eyes of others, both the good and the bad.
Ultimately, if you can’t trust that you are in a safe friendship, have confidence in knowing that walking away is not the same as ‘giving up.’ Never be ashamed of what you feel or for striving for nothing less than what you deserve. Be careful not to aspire for perfection, but rather for sincerity and honesty. Be true to yourself and don’t be afraid to define the friendship and your expectations of it.
Don’t let the feeling of having had enough make you feel like you are not enough.
You are enough.
And your friends should think so too.
This was an interesting post as I have been going through this with someone who was once a very close friend. She has done nothing to wrong me, and I don’t think I’ve done anything to wrong her, but our conversations are rather stilted, and I noticed about 2 years ago that every phone call, text, and meeting was instigated by me. She would return my calls, she would accept any invitations I sent her, but she did not ever pick up the phone and call me. If I don’t call her, weeks or months will go by without contact. It’s heartbreaking to remember a time when we were separated by hundreds of miles, living in different states, and still managed to get together once a month or so, and talk every week. Now we live approximately 20 miles from each other and our last phone conversation (initiated by me) was several weeks ago, and our last in person meeting was because a mutual friend arranged an event we both attended. I see her reaching out to mutual friends (such as calling them when I happen to be with them), and she has texted me by accident meaning for it to go to a more deserving friend, evidently (nothing bad was in the text, it just was not meant for me). I am sad, but when we get together (because I asked her to) our conversations don’t flow like they used to. Really, I feel very isolated from all my college friends at this point. I am the only mother, although my friend that is slipping away is currently pregnant. I thought once that happened, we’d be on common ground, but that does not appear to be the case.
Our close mutual friend has encouraged me to explain to disappearing friend how I feel, but I feel this breach is not something that can be fixed by a conversation. This was not a misunderstanding, this is based on the fact that this friend doesn’t care to hear how I am. When I call her, conversations are about her only (for the record, she’s not self absorbed normally, she spends plenty of time talking with our mutual friends about their lives, she just seems to have no specific interest in mine). I am sad, but I am about ready to chalk this one up to a loss.
Great post. I have a long time friendship that as of late, is very challenging. She makes it incredibly difficult to support her and be involved in her life. I don’t want to put too such space between us because her life is full of enablers who aren’t true friends, and I worry about her. I don’t want to walk away and feel like I abandoned her, but how much do you tolerate before speaking up and potentially crush the remainder of the friendship? It’s very troubling.